Whew. 2021. Honestly, this is going to be a long one and quite personal. Get ready.

As most of you, I was looking forward to a fantastic 2021. After we experienced 2020, it had to be better, right? I was geared up and ready to plan gorgeous weddings for my amazing couples.  I had goals for my personal life (start a family), goals for business (expand my team and create new systems for my clients), and growth as a person for my friends and family. Well, to say the least, that didn’t happen.

Unfortunately I was faced with one of the hardest decisions of my life. I was struggling in my marriage, which I know people often do, and I thought nearly everyday, “I can do this. Marriage is just hard. We’ll get through this” but I tried so hard for so long and it simply wasn’t enough. Honestly, it was hard on both of us. After countless counseling sessions, books read, journaling, etc. I knew I gave what I could give but it wasn’t enough to repair our brokenness. People say God can repair anything, He can fix a broken marriage. And He can, I’ve seen it. However, the consistency of having to rebuild trust was unbearable. I cried, I cried and I cried. I was so tired of crying. It was the hardest decision of my life because it didn’t just include me, it was also affecting someone else’s life.

I was so alone, I kept SO much to myself. I didn’t even tell my mom, my sister or my best friends. Nobody knew the struggles I was dealing with, I can’t explain how alone I was. I thought to myself that would be far easier to work on this together and not include the many opinions from family and friends…but wow. That was the most unhealthy choice I could have made.

After a year full of challenges I never thought I’d experience due to the global pandemic, I didn’t want to add more stress of a failed marriage. But when is a good time for added stress? We can’t plan these things in advance. Wouldn’t it be cool if God could give us a timeline of our life? “Okay Kendal, in 2017 you’re going to get married, start a business, buy a home, and get 2 dogs. BUT in 2021, you’re going to get divorced. So, prepare your finances, life-style, and heart for this.” That would have been cool! But, life doesn’t work like that. I had to process the heartache, and the many many changes that I faced. Even silly things like changing your last name. *Eye Roll*, Social Security is STILL closed due to Covid (they say), so….I had to mail in my paperwork and Driver’s License only to get lost in the mail. Oh well, my to-do list has gone from 115 items to about 7 now. So, I’m making it!!

I also had to face challenges in my business. Sadly, it was so hard being happy for my clients, I was so unhappy. I remember crying on my way to my car after meetings with my precious clients, knowing I was so sad, I was so tired, I was so alone. How could I look at these brides and tell them about my sadness? They are SO excited. They couldn’t wait to marry the love of their life, meanwhile I was ending my marriage. I felt as though I didn’t serve my clients well. The grace that my 2021 and 2022 clients have given me is UNREAL. When I say I have the best clients, I truly mean it. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

All of this to say, I never thought I could learn so incredibly much about myself. My mom, Toni, & my counselor, Tina, (who I wish I could bring home with me in case I have a meltdown at 2am) have opened my eyes to who I really am. Which is honestly a badass. Let’s get out of bed, face this decision and get stuff done. It was totally acceptable to take time to process and grieve my marriage, it was healthy to fully go through the process, but I had to choose myself and choose happiness or I would have been stuck in that funk forever. It took me about 2 months to remind myself that I was going to be ok.  I still had my moments, it was the constant reminder of memories we made and the routines we had that I found challenging to get used to alone. So, I made new routines, alone and with my family and my friends. And guess what? I’m surviving and thriving 😉

After the most challenging year of life, I am so thankful for it. I have learned who I am, figured out I could be independent, and I have met an amazing and incredibly patient man, Daniel, who has opened my eyes to so many new joys in life.  Our relationship is so refreshing and he has helped me realize I can trust and love fully again.

As a wedding planner, I want to assure you I still love marriage. Marriage creates a safe relationship where you can authentically be yourself, build intimacy, and a deep connection. I look forward to the day I can become a bride to my future husband.

I hope & pray that 2022 is MY year.

Xo,

Kendal